Life really isn't very easy, you know. I don't know why I thought it should be easier over time. I didn't receive such a promise in a declaration or rule book. Yet there are extreme high points... devastating low points... Times of exhiliration and times of worry. Times of faithfulness and times when we are just plain unsure. Yet every day I am sure that "whatever issues" which I may be dealing with are never as much as the weight of the sins of the world. And I don't have to hold all those sins while hanging from a cross.
Yet... sometimes I just want to give in and say "Enough"!
Through my tears, heartache, and daily battles I think when will I get to "Enough?" When can I "call the game" and declare a winner? Our mother used to tell us "Enough is Enough".
And so my thought process goes...
Haven't I given "Enough" yet?
Haven't I taken "Enough" from those who steal, lie and cheat me?
Haven't I shared "Enough" with those I care about, and then those I don't even know?
Haven't I endured "Enough" with perseverance, staying the course and holding steady?
Haven't I talked "Enough" about doing what is right... every time and in every case?
Haven't I felt "Enough" when my heart breaks for those in misery?
When is "Enough" ?
My message begins to evolve in my mind....
How do I know when I have cared "Enough"? When I am unable to care anymore?
How can I care more?
How can I give more?
How can I share more?
How can I forgive more?
How can I love more?
How can I endure more?
Then I realize... I hope I never get to "Enough"...
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
29 Years Blessed by Rachael's Love
I am not sure who here on earth keeps track of all our losses- especially recently with losing my baby sister Joanne last year and my only brother John last month, but this week I also celebrated Rachael's life- in my womb and my heart.
It is a precious time each year when I very consciously think about the private importance of her in my life 29 years ago. We lost her at 41 weeks, less than a month before our 1st wedding anniversary. I never experienced such grief before, it is different but similar in some ways to the way I am experiencing my personal loss of Joanne.
All of my immediate family commemorates this time differently, I am blessed with phone calls from family and special friends like Angie who also experienced the loss of a baby and a special intimacy with Michael who carries his heart pain quietly.
This year I want my adult children to know I pray for them daily. I have been spending precious little time with all of them these days as they hurry through life. I am blessed to be a grandparent for the first time because of my youngest daughter Holly. As she experiences the gift of life and joy of parenting for the first time, I reflected back with her about this unique loss of our beautiful and perfect baby, Rachael-her sister, this made it a new experience for me.
It was no coincidence that Focus on the Family, one of my favorite Christian radio shows that broadcasts at 7am--just when my alarm clock goes on in the morning gave me strength. They were featuring Amy and Todd Smith (singing group: Selah) Although they were sharing a much more recent loss, I felt like I knew exactly they way they felt about their baby except I felt it all in the last two days of my pregnancy. As the show ended today they ended with this song written about their little girl-finally my feelings have words and a melody! Here are the lyrics, the link to the song and to the broadcasts-I am so blessed!
I Will Carry You
There were photographs I wanted to take
It is a precious time each year when I very consciously think about the private importance of her in my life 29 years ago. We lost her at 41 weeks, less than a month before our 1st wedding anniversary. I never experienced such grief before, it is different but similar in some ways to the way I am experiencing my personal loss of Joanne.
All of my immediate family commemorates this time differently, I am blessed with phone calls from family and special friends like Angie who also experienced the loss of a baby and a special intimacy with Michael who carries his heart pain quietly.
This year I want my adult children to know I pray for them daily. I have been spending precious little time with all of them these days as they hurry through life. I am blessed to be a grandparent for the first time because of my youngest daughter Holly. As she experiences the gift of life and joy of parenting for the first time, I reflected back with her about this unique loss of our beautiful and perfect baby, Rachael-her sister, this made it a new experience for me.
It was no coincidence that Focus on the Family, one of my favorite Christian radio shows that broadcasts at 7am--just when my alarm clock goes on in the morning gave me strength. They were featuring Amy and Todd Smith (singing group: Selah) Although they were sharing a much more recent loss, I felt like I knew exactly they way they felt about their baby except I felt it all in the last two days of my pregnancy. As the show ended today they ended with this song written about their little girl-finally my feelings have words and a melody! Here are the lyrics, the link to the song and to the broadcasts-I am so blessed!
I Will Carry You
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this
People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry youAll my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry youSuch a short time
Such a long roadAll this madness
But I knowThat the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...
I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming yearsI will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you
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