A Different Time

I have accepted that it is different now. I know I can't go backward, nor do I want to. I know I am in the hearts of everyone I love so that is enough. I still miss you each so much!

I too am trying to "do" for others what I can't do for my own, because they are out of my reach. My prayer is that someone near each of you will be in my place-love you/ miss you

Holiday Wishes for a Blessed Christmas!

Remarkable as it may seem, another Christmas is here! So much more I wanted to do... to give... to absorb the burdens of another.

Yesterday, on Christmas Eve, Sam and I accompanied a handful of people from our Catholic church to a community effort called "Homeless Caravan" in downtown Little Rock. The homeless living in building doorways and nearly invisible crevaces gather on Christmas Eve under the Broadway Bridge. The community then brings donated items in trucks and vans to give away.

Sam was with wrapped gifts for children (age and gender were marked on the labels)... I was with adult coats, sweaters and blankets.

Assembling the various vehicles at about 9:00 am more than 500 homeless people gathered. By 10:00 all of the donated items were in the possession of those living in unimaginable surroundings. Food, clothing, toiletries, toilet paper ... nothing golden or extraordinary.

If you look closely at the picture, you can see Sam's Santa hat, grey jacket and blue backpack. We were there.

Thankful For My Sisters

It is true but impossible to put into words the blessing it is to have sisters. Many of my friends are without siblings and it is a special burden to carry.

We don't know the future and we can't change the past but Joanne use to try and explain her thoughts about living in the present being The Present. I think sometimes I get what she was saying and so I will try and focus on this minute and say how blessed God has made me to have so very much-love to you! Ma (Re)

Not Many Posts in Twenty-Eleven

Aren't we all astonished at the happenings in our world? Atonished at how our Heavenly Father guards our hearts from the unimaginable... yet softly and gently holds us close.

Astonished that soon another birthday for Joanne will be here. Astonished that time passes too quickly and sometimes much too slowly.

Astonished that I have been remiss in not sharing my affection for each of my sisters more directly and more frequently.

Astonished that I still ache for my mother, my sister and my brother.

Astonished at how hard we hold on and how often we let go so we can grasp to hold again.

Everyday I am grateful for my parents, and my sisters, and my brother, and my husband and my children.

Thanksgiving is for our blessings and our patience and our endurance and our continued Thanksgiving.

Be Strong and Take Courage!

Spring in the air but not my heart

Troubles are all around us, if you look around you may see them too crowding around waiting to weight us down or cling to our heels, instead I am trying to look up and see the clouds and really feel God's hand on my shoulders.

The tears have not gone away. At times they stream down my face (It is difficult to explain)

I have leaned heavily on you and my dear grief counselor and a few special friends for some time now - thank you, and please keep praying!

"Here You Are Christ(mas)"

(Where Are You Christmas melody
words and MaryAnn modified
by reading His Word )

Here are you Christ(mas)

Now I can find you

It’s me that’s gone astray

Where is the laughter

I used to bring You

Why couldn’t I hear
Your voice each day

My world’s been changing

You’re rearranging

Reminding me that
Christ lives for me too

Where are you Christ(mas)

I know you remember

The ones I had to let go
I'm not the same one

See what the Son’s done

Is that what you want me to know

Christ (mas ) is here

Everywhere, I do know

Christ(mas) is here

It’s me that let go

When there is God’s love

In your heart and your mind

You will feel Christmas
All the time

I feel you Christ(mas)

I know I’ve found You

You never faded away

For the joy of Christ(mas)

Lives here inside us

Filling each and every heart with love

Here I am Christ(mas)

With Your heart
with Your love

Mass of Remembrance November 2 2010

Hello Sisters,

Have I told you recently that I love you?

Listen to the song and the words in this music that Joanne posted last year on our sister blog. (see link at bottom of the entry) She had installed the hyper link to Celtic woman group and the song is “The Prayer ". Let us not forget that she had started the blog as a way for us to share and another way for all of us to always be connected! She knew so much that even still I am in awe of her legacy that she left for us in all of our hearts. I believe she knows and is staying connected!

Last night Pop, Margaret, her friend Charlotte and I attended a special remembrance service for those who have loved ones that have recently departed. The church was full. As we lit our candles the flickering light soften the shadows. It stretch into the dim reaches and it lit the many faces, young and old, some wet with tears, others bowed, hands folded-so many people and too many were familiar.

I felt a sense of connection with the moment. The quiet, I am learning to appreciate. An elderly couple right in front of me was holding hands and the lone woman behind me was whispering her personal prayers. I found myself pondering the many ways we each had arrived at this moment, what we think we want and what God wants for us. The service was filled with a message and good intentions but only a few words hinted of the gap of understanding and our need to accept our limitations. I know now I just have to accept what I don’t understand.

Here are a few phrases seemed to linger in my heart: “death is only a horizon, and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight”, “those who have been a light to us”, “the goodness that was unique to them”. I will keep these posted in my little corner in my very little room that has become a simple prayer filled refuge over the past few years.

As the service continued and I was saying the words I was reading, I looked at Pop. His eyes were squeezed shut-oh so telling of his struggle. He is grieving the loss of his bride and forever mate, mom, his baby girl Joanne and now his only son.

I had no new words of comfort but in the hope of lessening his pain, I continued to read the words before me, only more softly, all the while saying my own pray that he does hear his Answer. …” The seasons come and go, and I am weary from the change, I keep moving on, you know it’s not the same. And when I ‘m walking all alone do you hear me call your name?”….God, He wants to know he will be with her again.

Lord, please answer him in a way he can hear. I know he is reaching for faith- I pray he finds Your comfort and peace. Just as mom called our brother John “precious” and just as Pop has been there for all of us, let it be just as simple as a smile, for him to feel You words of love. Let him understand the love he had for mom was your love, the love she had and has for him even now is your love and what we all have and can share is now and alwasy was and will be is your love, You love us with the same love- “You are precious in my eyes, and I love you” (Is 43:4)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPiCVuSOzmI

here is another link- one that has given some visuals and sounds to accompany my daily prayers.

http://www.myspace.com/testify2love

My Encouraging Word for Today is "Enough"

Life really isn't very easy, you know. I don't know why I thought it should be easier over time. I didn't receive such a promise in a declaration or rule book. Yet there are extreme high points... devastating low points... Times of exhiliration and times of worry. Times of faithfulness and times when we are just plain unsure. Yet every day I am sure that "whatever issues" which I may be dealing with are never as much as the weight of the sins of the world. And I don't have to hold all those sins while hanging from a cross.

Yet... sometimes I just want to give in and say "Enough"!

Through my tears, heartache, and daily battles I think when will I get to "Enough?" When can I "call the game" and declare a winner? Our mother used to tell us "Enough is Enough".

And so my thought process goes...
Haven't I given "Enough" yet?
Haven't I taken "Enough" from those who steal, lie and cheat me?
Haven't I shared "Enough" with those I care about, and then those I don't even know?
Haven't I endured "Enough" with perseverance, staying the course and holding steady?
Haven't I talked "Enough" about doing what is right... every time and in every case?
Haven't I felt "Enough" when my heart breaks for those in misery?
When is "Enough" ?

My message begins to evolve in my mind....
How do I know when I have cared "Enough"? When I am unable to care anymore?
How can I care more?
How can I give more?
How can I share more?
How can I forgive more?
How can I love more?
How can I endure more?

Then I realize... I hope I never get to "Enough"...

29 Years Blessed by Rachael's Love

I am not sure who here on earth keeps track of all our losses- especially recently with losing my baby sister Joanne last year and my only brother John last month, but this week I also celebrated Rachael's life- in my womb and my heart.

It is a precious time each year when I very consciously think about the private importance of her in my life 29 years ago. We lost her at 41 weeks, less than a month before our 1st wedding anniversary. I never experienced such grief before, it is different but similar in some ways to the way I am experiencing my personal loss of Joanne.

All of my immediate family commemorates this time differently, I am blessed with phone calls from family and special friends like Angie who also experienced the loss of a baby and a special intimacy with Michael who carries his heart pain quietly.

This year I want my adult children to know I pray for them daily. I have been spending precious little time with all of them these days as they hurry through life. I am blessed to be a grandparent for the first time because of my youngest daughter Holly. As she experiences the gift of life and joy of parenting for the first time, I reflected back with her about this unique loss of our beautiful and perfect baby, Rachael-her sister, this made it a new experience for me.

It was no coincidence that Focus on the Family, one of my favorite Christian radio shows that broadcasts at 7am--just when my alarm clock goes on in the morning gave me strength. They were featuring Amy and Todd Smith (singing group: Selah) Although they were sharing a much more recent loss, I felt like I knew exactly they way they felt about their baby except I felt it all in the last two days of my pregnancy. As the show ended today they ended with this song written about their little girl-finally my feelings have words and a melody! Here are the lyrics, the link to the song and to the broadcasts-I am so blessed!

I Will Carry You

There were photographs I wanted to take

Things I wanted to show you

Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes

Who could love you like this

People say that I am brave but I'm not

Truth is I'm barely hanging on

But there's a greater story

Written long before me

Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry youAll my life

And I will praise the One Who's chosen me

To carry youSuch a short time

Such a long roadAll this madness

But I knowThat the silence

Has brought me to His voice

And He says...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning

Walked her through the parted seas

Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes

Who could love her like this

I will carry you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming yearsI will carry you

All your life

And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me

To carry you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLuaGiu73jc

October 21, 2010:Choosing Life in the Midst of an Adverse Pregnancy (Part 1 of 2)
October 22, 2010:Choosing Life in the Midst of an Adverse Pregnancy (Part 2 of 2)

Johnnie

He left us much too soon!

John Francis Cook, Jr.

April 28, 1964 - September 27, 2010

Rose Among the Thorns

"We frequently refered to both John and Pop as the roses among the thorns! With so many girls, they were sooo outnumbered - but as the only brother, John had a special role and a special place in all of our hearts"-

"JOHN, OUR ROSE AMONG THE THORNS

ONE DAY AMONG A GROUP OF THORNS

A ROSE BEGAN TO GROW

HE WAS A SPECIAL GIFT FROM GOD

OUR FAMILY WOULD COME TO KNOW

WHAT WAS THE WILL OF GOD TO SHOW

HIS FAMILY AND HIS FRIENDS -

SOMEDAY WE’LL KNOW

BUT TODAY WE CAN CELEBRATE

THAT SPECIAL DAY WHEN JOHN WAS BORN

DESTINED TO ALWAYS BE OUR

ROSE AMONG THE THORNS

REST IN PEACE, JOHN

- YOUR SISTER MARYANN"

BENCH Garden

Sisters,


God was truly with me yesterday as I worked the soil to make the BENCH Garden. It was an extended labor of love. The first tree went in last fall but it took till now for the garden to come together. So much like my faith walk, it had been a gradual process that picked up speed when the greatest changes where happening. The major planting happened in just a matter of hours. My faith walk has taken a life time but it too raced these past few years as God placed Joanne hands on my heart.

Yesterday happened quickly. Suddenly that place was forever changed. That ground, that space will never return to the way it was. Many hands toiled to changed it. The air will move differently and the water will penetrate differently. There are new roots and the old roots will be renewed. There is a new direction, a new place, a new purpose. He is the Gardener, but he uses many hands. Bless those who helped make this happen.

And just as in my life, things with the garden happened for reasons I didn't understand. The plants are small, and their thirst will be daily in this heat. The trees were heavy and the soil had to be and will always need to be worked, weeded and cared for.

Humm, I am small too and my thirst is for God. The burden is heavier than those giant root balls and more tangled. I too have been and will be worked over till I am pleasing to the Gardener! Joanne reminded me often that I am a "work in progress". Praise God for His patience!

I had no doubt that the timing is right for this because it was God's timing. Most horticulturists would be worried in this heat- but I am not. Funny how things happen- years ago I had great success landscaping on the 4th of July. It was a record breaking year for the heat including the 98 degree day I planted. It was a scorcher year and yet I had no losses. This garden began with a loss that can never be replaced. I do thank God for my family and friends-but I miss her so much.
I now think God was preparing me in ways I didn't realize.

I don't understand the way things happen- I seldom understand. My knee held up-surely a miracle and the heat didn't get the best of me till I had done all I had to do. I know God takes me farther than I can go alone-He proves it daily-but I usually don't have anything to show for it. This time He blessed me with this BENCH garden! Be Ever Near Christ Heart


I pray the garden and I will continue to grow!

CONGRATS To You JEAN

I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT YOUR GOOD NEWS!!!!!

I CAN'T WAIT TIL YOU GET TIME TO POST IT TO SAY I AM SAYING A PRAYER TO OUR WONDERFUL SAVIOR WHO HAS SURELY HEARD OUR PRAYERS.

I HAVE SUCH A GLORIOUS FEELING THAT PRAYING THE BIG PRAYERS AND LOOKING TO HIS WORD FOR ANSWERS HAS BEEN THE RIGHT PATH-WE HAVE PRAYED- HE DOES ANSWER!

“Any fool can count the seeds in an apple. Only God can count all the apples in one seed” (Robert Schuller).

Lord, you alone can see our full potential and bring it to pass by your gentle hand and guidance. Thank you for helping Jean find her way and put to good use the gifts you have given her. We may never know why things are so difficult but I do know in my weakness-you are strong -from one of your earthbound daughters-love alwasy MaryAnn ( SEE ATTTACHED PIC -Joanne's cloud work!)

A Metaphor Message....

It has most certainly been an incredible year. Incredible for its challenges, and losses, its love, and its lessons. This was among the most difficult holidays. But, as a "Cook Sister" and daughter of our mother, we know that we need to set ourselves aside at this time of year, and think of others and how we may make the holidays pleasant for them. We will tend to ourselves later.

Inspite of all the challenges, I was a trooper. Even when I didn't want to be. Even when I barely had the energy to lift my head from its pillow each morning. Even when it seemed no one else cared about any of it. But I was going to get through.

The tree was found among the moving rubble and put up (about 4 days before Christmas). The presents were bought and wrapped. The holiday food was purchased and prepared, being sure each family favorite was included. The words "Merry Christmas" were spoken to many.

Going through the motions to instill a memory for this holiday, Sam and I went to Midnight Mass at the Cathedral of St. Andrew in Little Rock. I was wanting to be sure to make my mother proud, while always asking myself how she could have gotten through all of this with six kids, when I was struggling with far fewer.

Continuing to make my memories, I gathered my digital camera for Christmas morning pictures. Taking a picture of the Christmas tree with gifts beneath, my camera seemed to almost stutter at the effort to take the picture.

As I looked at the digital screen the message appeared.... "The Battery is Exhausted".... not "low battery"... not "replace battery"... but "The Battery is Exhausted".

I knew exactly what the problem was... my own battery was ... exhausted!

Is there "Facebook" in Heaven?

Looking at your "facebook" page, Joanne ... Christmas Eve... And there it says, "Send Joanne a Message"... How could I resist? Just in case there is "facebook" in heaven, I didn't want to miss the opportunity to tell you, Joanne, how much you continue to be loved... and missed by those who love you! How great it must be for you to be among the heavenly celebrations this year! Love, Jean